Communication in general can be challenging for adults, even more so for youth and kids – it’s not just about words, it’s about connection, and as human beings, we are social animals and can’t survive without connection. We are all locked into screens and devices, which makes it even harder to connect.
For people living with serious mental illness, connection, communication and relationships are especially important. Research those that those who have a recovery journey have at least one person in their corner. If one person is rooting for you to succeed, and cares about you, and believes you can be well, you are more likely to recover from serious mental illness.
For the person who cares and is rooting for the recovery of a loved one with mental illness, we know how challenging communication can be.
Dr. Xavier Amador is a psychologist who went through this when he was young, with his brother Henry who lived with schizophrenia. When they were kids Henry looked after Xavier and then when they were a little older, Henry developed schizophrenia but he didn’t know. When Xavier told Henry he had to go to the hospital, Henry didn’t believe him. When Xavier told Henry that he was mentally ill, Henry would get angry and leave. The brothers fought and didn’t speak for many years. Henry’s illness worsened over those years. Often he was in the hospital, but often Xavier had no idea where his brother was, for months and months at a time.
While Xavier studied, became Dr. Amador, and continued to research, he put together parts of different communication frameworks, like Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Compassion by Marshall Rosenberg, and Motivational Interviewing: Helping People Change and Grow by William R. Miller and Stephen Rollnick, and lots of others.
Dr. Amador put together a communication tool to help with especially tricky, but important relationships, like his with his brother. It’s called LEAP. Although Dr. Amador focuses on helping adults, when asked if the LEAP approach should be taught to youth, he said yes, it can help youth too.
L – Listen
Listen. It seems obvious but we don’t really listen that much in general, we are thinking about other things, paying attention to other things. Some podcasters are great examples of good listeners, can you think of any? There’s a podcaster named Tom Power who is on the CBC podcast, called q. In his interviews he asks a question, listens to the answer, and then sums up in his own words, the gist of what the other person is saying, and checks in “Did I get that right?” This makes the person being interviewed feel heard and understood, and then you hear them open up more. This is an example of the kind of listening Dr. Amador is talking about. Listening and then saying back what you hear, to be sure you heard what they meant.
E- Empathise
Empathize. Putting yourself in their shoes – how would you feel if it was you? Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, you can imagine how you’d feel if you thought that way. It can be comforting to hear words like “That sounds scary, are you feeling scared? That makes sense, I’d be scared too.” It’s the opposite of what we usually do, which is to react. If we empathize with how the person might be feeling, rather than react to WHAT they said, we can be less judgmental and make the person feel like someone gets them.
A – Agree, Apologize
Agree And Apologize. Since mental illness can make it hard for people to get along with others, relationships can be damaged. Finding things to agree about when we might usually be arguing, can help a lot. For example, even though we know that vegetables are good for us, we might be able to agree that Brussel sprouts are gross. Or maybe we can agree that making new friends is nice. So looking for things that we can agree on. Sometimes it’s really simple like “You like that bike? I like that bike too, it’s fire!” Since people who live with mental illness or other disabilities are often being bossed around or argued with, finding things to agree on can help them know that they belong.
And looking for things we can apologize for! Because no one is always right, no one is always wrong, and finding times to say “I’m sorry” can help everyone get along better. Sometimes even when we know we’re right, there’s also a part of us that wishes things were different. So we can apologize with that part of us, and mean it. An example is “I’m sorry I said that you’re acting crazy.” Or “I’m sorry I told you to get out of my room.” Even though you really wanted to get them out of your room, you can see that their feelings were hurt, so you can say sorry and mean it.
P- Partner
After a lot of listening, empathizing, agreeing and apologizing, we start to get along better. Less fighting. We start to have good talks and enjoy spending time together. This is when we can start to work together on goals. Maybe the goal is to build legos together or conquer a game together. Or maybe it’s to make more friends, or walk the dog more. For some people the goal might be to eat their vegetables every day or take their medication every night. For others it’s to practice a sport or a musical instrument. And some might have the goal of taking a bath every day and brushing their teeth. When we know someone cares about us, and is rooting for us, it’s a little easier to tackle all the things we want to do, or have to do. Having someone in your corner makes it easier to put yourself out there and do the thing!
So what do you think? Is there someone who matters to you a lot, that you’re having a hard time getting along with? Could it help to try something different? Maybe you want to try LEAP.
At BCSS Youth, we give workshops on LEAP and it gives people a chance to practice.
Here is a link for Dr. Amador’s website: LEAP Institute – Anosognosia education, training, and support | LEAP Institute
Here is a link to the Q podcast where you can hear Tom Power’s example of reflective listening, just pick an interview with an artist or icon you like: Q with Tom Power